Bitter Sweet

I know it's been a while and I have so much catching up to do, but before I play catch up with all my great pictures I wanted to blog a thought or two.
I was watching the news tonight and a little four year old boy drowned in his back yard pool. when I heard that I just started to cry and I couldn't stop. I'm not really sure why I got so emotional tonight except that it was Brinlee and Baylee's third birthday last Saturday.
Brinlee turned three. I can hardly believe that she is three years old already. Brin's actual birthday was a bitter sweet day. As most of you know already, Brin's twin Baylee passed at 30 weeks gestation. I held both of them in me for 5 more weeks before I was done and delivered them both. I was so focused on Brin at the birth and making sure that she was ok that I feel like I never really greived for Baylee. The only real time that I cried, really cried hard, was the moment that I found out that she passed and we would only be having one baby when we were so excited and feeling so blessed to get two. I know that may sound pretty selfish and lame, but I so wanted twins after I found out that I was having them. Greg and I both were in utter shock and we sobed for a while in the little ultrasound room in the triage unit at Good Samaritan Hospital.
I still think of Baylee and I tell myself that I could NEVER handle two Brin's, but in reality I do wish that she were living with me now. I know that someday I'll see her again and get to raise her. I am grateful for that knowledge. But, the selfish part of me wants to cry and long for her presence. So, I'll go have a good little cry, go to sleep, wake up in the morning, and go on with my life as it is now. And I'll look forward to the day we are reunited.