Doubt

Today was a very important day.

This is my sweet nephew, Peyton. He is three years old and he underwent open heart surgery today.
I'm not going into much detail but you can read all about him at www.fourpages.blogspot.com.



Peyton lives in Orem, Utah and we don't get to see him as much as we'd like, but when we do, man watch out. He is a little ray of sunshine. This kid lights up the room and is just the funniest, happiest little guys around. I'm SURE Melanie never has to get after him. :)

I was sitting on my couch this morning reading books to Brin and Koa when Montana called me and said that they took Peyton back and that it'll be six to eight hours before they're done.
We've all talked about it and how we Know that everything will be ok. Peyton is going to get through this and he's needed here on earth with his little family. I've never doubted.
DOubt is a funny little word that I don't think that I like.
Actually, I know I don't like it. It creeps up and gets into your head.
It's like a little bug that needs crushed and flushed down the toilet.
Well, when Tanner called a flood of emotions came over me. Memories filled my mind and I cried. I cried a lot!
I had NO idea that this was going to make this kind of impact on me.
That stupid, yes I said STUPID, word doubt came to mind as I thought of Quinn.
Peyton, like Quinn is so innocent, so trusting. They have no idea what is about to hit them. they know that they are with people that love them and they trust that we are going to take care of them.
Then we send them into this surgery, open heart surgery.
We think that we are doing the right thing.
We think that we are doing what's best and needed for our little ones.
But do we know? do we doubt?
I thought that I knew! I thought that if I just have enough faith, Quinn would live! up until the very end, the early hours of the morning when the nurses asked if I wanted to hold her and everyone but me knew what was happening, I thought all she needed was her mother to hold her and she would live!
I was crushed, like that doubt that I want to crush.
I lost Faith for a little bit. I didn't understand why MY faith lost.
Why did she have to go home? why did she have to leave me?
We buried her, I wrote a ton, I scrapbooked pictures, and I moved on. I had more children and now I am blessed with two celestal daughters and four that are working hard to get there.
But,
Today all of my emotions are rising and I'm finding it hard to have the faith that I know I have somewhere inside.
Quinn is so special to me and I'm greatful to Peyton for helping me to remember her so vividly.
The weather was even the same today. It was cloudy and overcast this morning and sunny in the afternoon. (In Utah, they got snow flurrys tonight)


I found an old journal entry I'd like to share:
July 16, 2003, Wednesday
"Well, she's in surgery right now. It's 8:30 am. It's really humid outside and it's forecast to have dust storms and monsoons. As I was looking out the window this morning, it looked kind of dark and overcast, which actually fits for today because it'll rain while she has surgery and as she comes out of surgery, it'll be sunny. Good analogy, huh."


I also wrote Quinn a letter. This is part of it:
"You are going into surgery this morning. a risky heart surgery that you need. Your heart is working so hard; you are working so hard to breathe and just to live. This surgery will help ease the burden so you can breathe easier and grow. Quinn, I love you so much and I'm so proud of how strong you are! I pull my strength from you!"

I think that we have to hold onto something. I held onto Faith and it got me threw my trial. I just need to find that faith again and flush that doubt.
I pray so earnestly that Peyton and Quinn don't share the same outcome.
But we know that we are not in charge. We know that His will will be done!


So to you, Peyton fight! fight!fight!fight! And we'll see you in the morning!